Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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