Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
