my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
