if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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