did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
