Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
