umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
