I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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