I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
