I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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