Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
