Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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