It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
