My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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