Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
