Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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