oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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