can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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