No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
