There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
