Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
