any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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