If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
