on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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