apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just forgot I was standing up.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
