What did we do last night that was yellow?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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