sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
how drunk are you?
Several
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
