I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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