Hey man sorry I got all grabby
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
