Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize