You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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