I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
