Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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