I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
