i love accidental penises.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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