His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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