seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
