wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
