how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
