I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize