I was born with a shot glass in my hand
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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