Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
