We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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