smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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