If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
