i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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