i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
