I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
