I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
