I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
