It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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