Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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