drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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