The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
