you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
