I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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