John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
