Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
