omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
