Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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