i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Randomize
