you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
