My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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