I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
