awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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