Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
