She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
